I am alive!

Wow, I cannot believe it has been over a month since my last post! Where has the time gone? I have to get back into blogging on a regular basis. This past holiday season was definitely filled to the brim with family, friends and lots of yummy food! For Christmas, I bought myself a very nice piano/keyboard. I also received an acoustic guitar from my father for Christmas. I am currently teaching myself how to play piano and guitar. I am slowly learning how to play both instruments. I'm not very good at either instrument yet, but I have confidence that with a little persistence and a lot of passion that I will continue to improve. I find that learning and playing music is very therapeutic. I find it to be so therapeutic that I named my guitar DOC! (as in a doctor, lol) I love listening to, learning, and playing I enrolled in school and classes start on February 3rd!

Journey of the Soulmate

The Journey of the Soulmate is a book we wrote together. We designed the whole thing from start to finish. We decided it would be some art that we could do together and also have a growing experience with it. My imagination sparked one day and we very smoothly developed the concept of the whole thing. We then agreed easily on the name and slapped the words "Journey of the soulmate" on it. We began brainstorming on topics of possible topic pages to create. The whole idea was to make a scrapbook of topics and to put together art journal interpretation of the on emotion topics. Some topics for pages are:  Who am i? what my spiritual principals are? family, goals, hopes and dreams? Chain of Love, nature, how hate feels, my page of you and your page on me, accomplishments, and so many more. By the time we created a couple pages together, we noticed the book was a living thing. Her and I are soulmates. There is no doubt about it. Our thoughts were synced up to one anthers. My love and attachment to her grew closer with this book.  We wanted to document our love for each other, and our journey with a soulmate. Unfortunately this living breathing cherished book is lost forever. Wondering if its in the trash or packed away in her parents basement. I don't know when or if I will ever see this wonderful book which was proof that we loved each other. The compilation of emotions transcribed in mixed media were well preserved. I am terrified that I won't ever see this awesome proof of soulmates. This book is tangible proof that love is real. It can be seen in our art work.  God it makes me so sad to let go.....I wish I could get it back from her, But she isn't here any longer. She's gone for good. Nope. Never coming back...as in finite, zero, zilch, none. How can she have died on me like that? AT LEAST I CAN ALWAYS SAY HER AND I  WERE ABLE TO GO ON A JOURNEY OF THE SOULMATES. Not many others can claim this level of closeness.

Fallen Angel

This is so difficult to write this right now. Today is March 3, 2017. On December 31st I made an incredible declaration that the new year beginning on the 1st of January, my life would be substantially different for the better. I was so incredibly hopeful and excited to have a great year. Unfortunately, I have run into so many obstacles and dead ends so far this year. The first two months of this year have just sucked so bad. I am not in good health mentally, physically, and most importantly spiritually. I've been hospitalized twice in the previous 3 months. Living with serious depression and debilitating chronic pain  would ruin anyone's life. I truly feel if anyone tried walking a day in my shoes it would kill them. Maybe God knows how strong I am and has faith in me that I can handle just about anything.I really don't feel like I am strong at this point in my life. Eventually there comes a point in my sad little life where I need to remember to breathe in and exhale. Right now breathing in and out is a treacherous chore. Sorry to say that I am so messed up in my head right now and I cant figure a way out. So I am calling out to my angels who watch over me to help me get through this painful time in my life. I have a few angels, but if you let me borrow yours until my life turns around into a healthy place I promise that I will give it back to you. The more angels watching over me the better. So here's my SOS "I'm crying out to all my friends, my family, and all those anonymous generous souls out there to send me your angels until I get back on my feet again.

Through The Missing Years

I'm stunned that I forgot about this little blog of mine for 5 years! 5 years!!! WOW. How do I begin to bring you up to speed on what's happening in my life right now. Well I have an idea. Lets start with today. I am just so blessed in my life. I am so grateful for my Heavenly Father bringing me back to the fold. I am really enjoying my ward. Everyone is so nice and caring. I received some not so suttle nudges from GOD. I've had sister missionaries knocking at my door, I've had the elder missionaries knocking on my door, I've had my visiting teacher bringing me oh so yummy banana bread. Now, the sister missionaries (no matter who they are) are always close to my heart. So the sisters began coming over for some lessons and they happily helped me get my apartment cleaner while having a blast. I must name the sister I ended up LOVING so dearly. Sister O'banion. We laughed, we cried, she pulled at my heart strings. Words cannot ever begin to describe the love I feel for her. Right now there are no sister missionaries in our ward. Which makes me so sad. Yes the elders are wonderful too but I tend to open up to my sisters easier. So, I started reading my scriptures more frequently. I started attending church regularly again! WOO HOOO. And! yes there is more. AND!! My bishop is the caring teaching inspiring man I have met in a very long time. AND!! I got my very first calling! I'm so excited to have a responsibility to my ward. I've also met this other sister named Saamia. She lives 2 minutes away from my house. We hang out, we have fun, we talk on the phone, it's amazing. Ok, enough about church for a while. I have to report that my sister is pregnant! Im so excited! I get to be aunt Gio! wow. what another blessing. my sister is going to be such a great mother. I cant wait to watch her grow as a mother and be a part of her daughters life. She's named the baby Sophia Rosella. When I found out that my sister is honoring my grandmother by giving her her middle name. My grandma died a couple years back. It was extremely difficult to go through, and such a tradgedy. She was an awesome woman, she had a strong belief in God, and a saint like presence. Im enrolled in school again! Im getting a 3.0 GPA and thats great! Im studying software development. It is fun to learn all about how to create webpages and software, but its very difficult. I am thrilled with my classes, they are challenging, engaging, and a great social outlet as well. This is the first time in a long time that I am actually busy alot. I'ts so great to be a part of the world again. I found this blog from an assignment in one of my classes! I thought that was pretty darn cool. Also, this winter has been so far pretty warm. I do hope for a white christmas, but that's enough. the snow can go back and hide someplace else. But this is cleveland, and we have shitty winters...its a given. I will end this entry on a prayer. Heavenly Father, I am so grateful for my life today, for all the people in my life, and the wonderful gifts we receive every day, I am very grateful today, and i pray that those who are feeling down this holiday season find a little bit of joy. Thanks for the air I breathe, and for the spirit. I have felt the spirit through this entire blog. I say these things in Jesus' name. AMEN

2010 overview

I have had a very stressful year! Here's an over view..january was lonely cuz I lived all alone. February was good because I entered into a very deep serious relationship. Which I'm still in this lovimg relationship
Its amazing! I spent most of march and April in excruciating back pain
I also took a few college courses online! Those2 months were so stressful because of the pressures of trying to do well on school while being in souch pain. By the middle of may, I was back on my feet and quit school because I just couldn't seem to comcentrate. Me my and my partner went camping In PA with my dog and had such an appreciation for for God, nature, and the serenity of my soul. In june I spent most of the month planning a big birthday bash for my roomates 27th birthday. I even baked her a cake from scratch with my own frosting decotations! That was the forst cake I have ever made!and it tasted good too. July was difficult because I invited my screwed up family imto my life and he
I was forced to play the roll of a marriage councelor and a babysitter toy 3yr pld nephew who wad beong meglected by his parents. August 2nd was my 30th bday and we spent moat of the momth camping amd taking random road trips to new York, PA, michigan, and ohio. It was amazing! In september we had a massive gaeage sale and started thinking abour starting a jewelry business. October was rough on my emotions because my family started blaming me and spreading nasty rumors about me. November 1st. My man friend died right in front of me. It was horrible. I was een being questioned and interrogated by the cleveland homicide detectives. He died of a srroke or heart attack...on my front lawn. I'm still shaking up and trying to mourn and grieve. Things have become really difficult to do since rhen. I've been so sad and I miss him soooo much that I cry myself to sleep almost every night. Thanksgiving was hard bc my family family is so screwed up and I spent thanksgiving at my friends house.
It was an umcomfortable situation. December has only begun and I'm trying to b festive. I have a tree up, lots of light's up and xmas decoratins everywhere. It all is just a reminder that my family is broken and we all just don't talk to ea hother amymore. I'm trying to b in good spirits but I feel like I'm sinking. Ugh what a crappy year. But I'm in good spirits and I'm looking forward to 2011. It'll b a better year, I know it!

A couple full days

The past few days have been very interesting. I have been praying for more of a social life, and BAM! I have three dates lined up for this weekend! Prayer is a powerful thing, and I am realizing this. I prayed for cheddar to come home, and he did. I prayed for direction in my life and my prayers have been answered. I am currently contemplating going back to school in the spring at Cleveland State University. I'm not quite sure which degree I will chose to pursue. I have also been praying for a push in the right direction. I know I will succeed at anything I put my mind to. It's just a big decision. I thought I had a career, It was my niche. Now, for some reason there is obviously a different plan for me. I am confident that I will have the appropriate answer when the time is right. I am exerting all my energy attempting to be patient. I prayed for patience once, and it was by far the worst day of my life. So, needless to say, I will NEVER pray for patience again, so I will just have to learn to be patient in my own time.

A few days ago, I received a surprising phone call. The caller called from an unknown number. Usually I don't answer phone calls from unknown numbers, but for some reason, I answered it. The voice on the other end of the phone said "HI". That's all it took for me to recognize who it was! It was Sister Mcneill! My heart was instantly warmed from the loving familiar voice on the other end. We had a good conversation, and we decided since she was so close to me that we would have lunch. I was tickled pink at the fact that she cares for me so much. I met her and Sister Soleberg at the church. It was then we decided to go back to their house for chocolate pancakes and eggs. We laughed, we cried, we shared good stories, and some not so good stories. Sister McNeill said something to me that broke my heart. She said that the light in my eyes was gone. I figured as much anyways, but hearing it from someone who loves me broke my heart. I want to have my light back so badly. I just know I'm not ready to get back into the swing of things. She made me promise to read a chapter from the BOM and write her a letter about what I thought and how it made me feel. I also promised her that I would heavily consider going to church with her. I told her that I wasn't ready and I wouldn't go unless my heart was into it. I originally got baptized because my heart was in it. I wouldn't have done it any other way. I know you are probably reading this and shaking your head at me, but IF i ever go back to church, it will be because I'm ready, not for anyone else but myself. Sister Titera took a few pictures, of Abi and I, and also Sister Soleberg, Abi, and I. I want a copy of it so I can post it. It was so nice to see her. My heart is warmed every time I talk to her. But, shes still on her mission, and I need to respect the fact that while she doesn't support my lifestyle, she still loves me. I told her that while I was in Utah, I felt like an honorary member of the McNeill family. Abi said, "you still are". I love the love I feel from y'all. Thank you

Living life to the fullest

Today, I woke with a positive attitude, and it set the tone for the day. I decided to deep clean most of my house. I rearranged furniture, cleaned underneath everything, and mopped the floors like 3 times. It feels so nice to be in a clean home. I was once told by my grandmother that cleanliness is next to godliness. It is so wonderful to just sit back and enjoy the hard work I put into cleaning. I love being able to see results.
Lately, I have been praying for a new opportunity to rejoin society. Or a new opportunity for a social life. I think I am ready to get a job or maybe volunteer somewhere. I am getting to the point where I feel like a bum, just sitting around the house. I just watched the movie YES MAN. It was so funny, I love Jim Carrey. The movie was about living life to the fullest. The world should be my playground.Unfortunately, My world has become so small. My house has become my world, and I'm ready to expand and grow!!! I'm ready to experience life again. I'm ready to have a purpose, to be accountable for something. Maybe I'm even ready to love again.

Life is Wonderful

I love this song, and I wanted to share it with y'all. Here are the lyrics, just in case The video doesn't work.

"Life Is Wonderful"

It takes a crane to build a crane
It takes two floors to make a story
It takes an egg to make a hen
It takes a hen to make an egg
There is no end to what I'm saying

It takes a thought to make a word
And it takes some words to make an action
It takes some work to make it work
It takes some good to make it hurt
It takes some bad for satisfaction

La la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la life goes full circle
Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Al la la la la

It takes a night to make it dawn
And it takes a day to make you yawn brother
And it takes some old to make you young
It takes some cold to know the sun
It takes the one to have the other

And it takes no time to fall in love
But it takes you years to know what love is
It takes some fears to make you trust
It takes those tears to make it rust
It takes the dust to have it polished

Ha la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la life goes full circle
Ah la la la la la la life is so full of
Ah la la la la la la life is so rough
Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la life goes full circle
Ah la la la la la la life is our love
Ah la la la la la

It takes some silence to make sound
It takes a loss before you found it
And it takes a road to go nowhere
It takes a toll to make you care
It takes a hole to make a mountain

Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la life goes full circle
Ha la la la la la life is wonderful
Ha la la la la la life is meaningful
Ha la la la la la life is wonderful
Ha la la la la la life it is...so... wonderful
It is so meaningful
It is so wonderful
It is meaningful
It is wonderful
It is meaningful
It goes full circle
Wonderful
Meaningful
Full circle
Wonderful

Oh boy am I excited!

This morning, I woke up feeling really sad and lethargic. I was sad because my cat has been missing all week. I was going to try to make myself feel better by getting some exercise in. So, I went out to the garage and began pumping my bike tires up. While pumping my tires, cheddar walks right up to me like nothing ever happened. I of course started to cry because I was almost convinced that he was gone forever, and I was just so happy to see him. I held him in my arms, and listened to him purr. Him coming home was an awesome gift. I have been praying so hard for Cheddar's well being, and for him to come home. And now, here he is, home and healthy. It's those good moments in life that make life worth living. So I still went for a bike ride. I rode up to the Verizon store, and got myself a new blackberry. I'm finally up with the times! The day isn't over yet and I'm feeling pretty good. I guess I just feel like everything is falling into place. Don't you just love those days?

meant for greatness

Life has such an interesting way of unfolding. I am beginning to realize that while I do have my own free will, certain things are meant to happen. I believe life is all about experiencing all it has to offer. Like I said, it is very interesting how people come in and out of your life, at the most perfect times. Someone up there is looking out for me, for sure.

My roommate situation was not working out at all. When your home life sucks, everything sucks. I believe that home should be comfortable. It should be someplace safe. It should be someplace that you want to go to kick back and relax. It should bring feelings of happiness, security, and peace. Unfortunately, my previous roommate made life at home completely unbearable. I take full responsibility for my own actions and emotions. It is difficult to take any more than %50 of responsibility, when another is compromising my sanity. I'm happy to announce that that horrible phase of my life is finally over. Now, that the chains and shackles are completely removed, I feel a sense of freedom. I feel an obligation to myself to get back to that person I was meant to be. I don't want to sound cocky or conceited, but I know I am meant for something extraordinary. I'm now open to the possibility of becoming somebody great. I am ready and waiting for any opportunity to come across my path.